Recently I have undergone a search for clarity of my person that has ripped my soul apart.
For the past few months I have been paralyzed by indecision and fear for many reasons, too complex to enumerate here. Perhaps I have been afflicted with Quantum Delirium.
But I came across a note written by myself on the verge of this state. I find great comfort in it.
Love,
In approximately two billion years, the sun will begin its expansion and demise, in pulses. The first pulse will sterilize the Earth, making its surface molten, and glowing a dull red in the dazzling light of the enlarging Sun. Europa will become a luscious water planet...of course there won't be any oxygen to breathe. The Sun will pulse a few more times, and in four billion years will shrink down on itself. Europa will freeze again. And in the very distant future...billions of years from now, our expanding universe will have progressed to a point where galaxies aren't just moving away from each other...planets aren't just moving away from stars, and stars from themselves...but atoms will rip apart and move away...Everything will be gone, extinguished.
And so you know what? I am going to enjoy my Crunch Berries. And kiss you. Passionately. And if I don't do well in Calculus Based Physics II, that's okay. I am alive. And I love you. I am going to live life, and savor it, with an understanding that it is futile to try and worry about the small details of the future...because really, there won't be anything in two billion years that will be affected by my small decisions. We are all just dust and air and atoms that are one day going to rip apart and never make contact again. So lets love each other, and see the world, and read as many good books as possible...millions of years from now our books will be little rectangles of carbonized matter, with no printed words to discern. So let's read together. And never stress unnecessarily about silly things ever again. I can't wait to see you tomorrow! I am going to give you a beautiful kiss...and continue to kiss you many times. I look forward to our future. Whether we become Astronauts, or scientists, or whether we join the Peace Corps, and write philosophical novels is unimportant. I look forward to our future because I know I will always treasure waking up next to you. I will always enjoy tucking into your side on a couch. I will always enjoy being held close in your arms. I look forward to eating dinner with you...making dinner...and washing the dishes with you. You are my love. Perhaps love will resist the Sun's expansion...perhaps love cannot be pulled apart like the universe will be. Love has no physical substance. Love will be there, perhaps. And so, I will love you forever...as long as forever is.
- Marilyn
This note fills me up. I wish that I could make her a cup full of warm tea and encouragement. She was very wise. I think that she would approve of the the happiness I've found in my little sister's fairy house, and the Bird's Nest Fungus growing in my backyard.
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